I'm sitting on the ferry from Santorini to Athens as I write this (in my Moleskine, and will type up once I get there). I'll write another entry about the events of my trip to Greece (of which there are many!), but I'm going to write something on a deeper level for now...which I've been doing lately.
I was sitting at the port in Santorini. As I sketched the Aegean Sea and the islands it hugs I started to cry. I don't really know why I was crying, but it felt okay. I couldn't see where the sea ended, or where it met the sky. Isn't that scary? I was reminded of how much more there is out there - so much more than whatever is going on with me. The sight literally took my breath away. Now, I am not the most religious person out there (far from it, actually) but I couldn't help thinking of the idea of a higher power. And all of a sudden I felt safe. For the first time all week, I felt taken care of. I felt a sudden surge of strength. I don't know how long it will last, if at all, but for now I'll take what I can get.
I've felt myself falling back into old habits (bad, bad, bad). Habits of obsessing over every little thing, overanalyzing, and making things a lot harder than they need to be. I've tried to be a lot more open with my feelings - expressing them when I want to, and not holding back. I did this the past weekend, and immediately regretted it. Should I have done that? Should I not have? Did I ruin anything by saying that? But right here and right now, I am going to stop that. One should never feel regret for expressing care or love for anyone or anything, as long as it is genuine and they don't necessarily expect anything in return. If expressions of love towards someone or something are going to push them away, then was that someone or something really worth it to begin with? I need to learn to take my advice and stop being so hard on myself. In relationships of any kind - family, friendships, romantic, whatever - people make mistakes. That's normal. These mistakes should not be held against whomever made them. When it comes to people I care about and love, I have tried my best - I know I have made some mistakes along the way, but I hope they aren't held against me.
Maybe I am too trusting. Maybe I'm too much of a hopeless romantic. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm too optimistic when it comes to matters of the heart. But I would rather hear about beautiful, outrageous, successful love stories than hear about those that failed. Yes, I am practical too, haha. But that doesn't mean that I can't believe that there is love out there that can do pretty much anything.
I've spent a lot of time trying to transform myself into the person I want to be. I'm not there yet (duh), but I'm getting there. I'm 21 years old (GEEZ), and have a long, long way to mature, but I feel whole. I feel complete by myself, which is so much more than I could say a year ago. The people in my life that I hold close to me are those that enrich my life and add something positive and unique to it. I hope that I do the same for people. When someone I love or care about cuts me out of their life, of course it hurts. What was I doing wrong? What could I have done to fix it? But I guess I need to stop asking those questions, huh? It is completely their choice, and their choice is to cut me out. I guess I wasn't doing for them what I wished I was, but that's not to say I failed. I hope. So I accept that and move on, and continue building upon the relationships that I do have.
It has taken me over an hour to write this, and I'm still gliding along the Aegean - passing islands I couldn't see when I began writing. I feel a little lost and scared at the moment, but for whatever reason, it's fine. I know I'll be okay and I know that there are a million great things and people in store for me. I'm still going to wish at 11:11 and on stars, and you can bet it was a big one when I blew out my birthday candles a couple of days ago, but I can only control so much, and the rest is out of my hands - thank God :)
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Spring Break already?!
It's hard to believe that my time in London is already halfway through! Spring Break has come at a perfect time. I really need some time to relax, think and smile. A lot has been going on, and I couldn't be more thankful for this time off.
I'm going to Greece with Jessica, Tanner, and Morgan. We arrive in Athens tomorrow and take the ferry to Santorini tomorrow evening and arrive Saturday morning. We get three nights in Santorini, and leave on Tuesday for Crete. We're in Crete Tuesday even and Wednesday for most of the day, until we leave in the evening for Athens. Then it's back to London on Friday! A lot of things to do and places to go in a week :) I can't wait to spend this time with some of my favorite people. After I get back from Greece (OPAAA), my weekends are as follows.
- Germany/France with maja and faja
- Stratford-upon-Avon school trip
- Staying in London - but one of my best friends EVER is studying abroad in Scotland and will be visiting London this weekend!
- Edinburgh school trip
- Pisa/Cinque Terre with Hallie and Amber
- Portugal with Tim, Amber, Hallie, Rebecca and Deanalis
- Last weekend in London
- Back to Ithaca!
Two months seems like a good chunk of time, but it's going to fly by! I finally picked up my new camera (thanks Dad), so I'll have plenty of pictures coming soon :)
Now to pack and paint my nails for tomorrow...I've gotta be out of my flat by 5 AM, ugh. Jealous? No?
xo Jamie
I'm going to Greece with Jessica, Tanner, and Morgan. We arrive in Athens tomorrow and take the ferry to Santorini tomorrow evening and arrive Saturday morning. We get three nights in Santorini, and leave on Tuesday for Crete. We're in Crete Tuesday even and Wednesday for most of the day, until we leave in the evening for Athens. Then it's back to London on Friday! A lot of things to do and places to go in a week :) I can't wait to spend this time with some of my favorite people. After I get back from Greece (OPAAA), my weekends are as follows.
- Germany/France with maja and faja
- Stratford-upon-Avon school trip
- Staying in London - but one of my best friends EVER is studying abroad in Scotland and will be visiting London this weekend!
- Edinburgh school trip
- Pisa/Cinque Terre with Hallie and Amber
- Portugal with Tim, Amber, Hallie, Rebecca and Deanalis
- Last weekend in London
- Back to Ithaca!
Two months seems like a good chunk of time, but it's going to fly by! I finally picked up my new camera (thanks Dad), so I'll have plenty of pictures coming soon :)
Now to pack and paint my nails for tomorrow...I've gotta be out of my flat by 5 AM, ugh. Jealous? No?
xo Jamie
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Food for thought...
Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person.
I just got out of Stage Combat, and my teacher brought up something that I've been thinking about for a while. Someone in the class said that she was afraid to fully go for something for fear of hurting her partner. Our teacher brought up the idea that we often sabotage ourselves, or fail because of expectations. We look to things that could potentially happen. We think of the worst possible outcome, and scare ourselves so that we miss out on something. We believe that if we fully commit to something, someone will get hurt eventually. I started crying in class today when he said this. I have experienced a lot of emotional pain in my life - and so much of it was caused by myself. I had expectations of myself. I had expectations of how relationships were supposed to be, how my life was supposed to go, and when things didn't go the way I expected them to...BAM - I ran away. I had so much fear. Fear mostly of uncertainty. I wanted everything in my life to be planned out. I wanted to be sure of everything that was going to happen in my life, almost like a timeline. And if I skipped something on that timeline, or something went differently than I had planned, I had to evacuate. I had failed. Instead of seeing every event in my life or feeling I felt as a part of life, I saw it as a danger. As something that was ruining what I had planned, and instead of going with the flow, I ran away. When I was going through something, I would psych myself out by thinking of the worst case scenarios. Because I'd think of them, I think a part of me caused them or something else bad to happen.
After a lot of soul-searching and growing up, I've learned what my bad habits are. I know how I instinctively react to things, and I know that they aren't necessarily the best ways to deal with stuff. So now, I am very conscious of how I work. If I feel myself worrying or stressing, I tell myself not to. My dad is a big reason I have learned to do this. I used to think everything he said was stupid - too Mr. Rogers, too Buddha, whatever. But I've come to realize that it's all true. I focus on what's happening in my life RIGHT NOW. Not two months from now. Not a year from now. Not five years from now. If something makes me happy right now, I don't worry about what's going to happen if I lose it. I have grown a lot. I used to be someone who threw temper tantrums if things didn't go my way. I felt the need to control every aspect of my life. I was all-or-nothing with everything in my life - work, relationships, what have you. And I've realized that it's so hard to be happy like that. I've learned to balance those things, and I feel as though I can face pretty much anything. I've lost something recently that was very, very dear to me, but I realize that there is nothing I can do to control it. I can only control myself. I am allowing myself time to grieve, cry, be upset, whatever. But I know that life goes on. I will be okay, and I know that now. If this had happened to me a year ago, I would be in a totally different state, and the fact that I'm not shows me just how much I've grown. If what I've lost comes back to me, great. If it doesn't, great. I know that I did my absolute best. I don't regret a thing, and I realize that this isn't my fault, or anyone's fault, really. I'm not perfect. I am far from it! I'm nowhere near done learning or growing. But I can see a change in myself, and that feels good. Everybody has fears. But it takes a lot to acknowledge the fear, and live anyway.
As far as applying all this to relationships, it all works. Fear will fuck with your mind every time. Not being comfortable with who you are at that moment will wreck things. I used to be too hard on myself, and someone I was with expected a lot from me. I've learned how to have a healthy relationship. One that just requires love, no extras. Relationships are so much simpler than we make them, and expectations (of yourself or your partner) will ruin things. Being comfortable with myself has really helped me out. Not expecting too much of myself, going with the ebb and flow of things. It has allowed me to love unconditionally. To give myself and not expect anything in return. To refrain from punishing myself if I don't do x, y and z for the other person. Whatever I do should be enough for the other person if we are in love. It really is true that you need to love yourself in order to love another. It sounds stupid, but it's true. I know something great is in store for me. Every experience is a chance to learn, and I have.
So after our teacher brought that up and I cried a little, boohoo, we got to wreck the shit out of our partners. The pads came out and I went apeshit. I got to take out a lot of the emotions I feel - frustration mostly, out on a little red pad. Bret said I had one of the best hooks he's ever seen in his stage combat classes and that he was glad he wasn't the person I was imagining hitting, ha. Soooo I went crazy to the point of exhaustion and fainting and a little nausea BUT. It was worth it.
Greece in three days. HURRY. UP.
xo Jamie
I just got out of Stage Combat, and my teacher brought up something that I've been thinking about for a while. Someone in the class said that she was afraid to fully go for something for fear of hurting her partner. Our teacher brought up the idea that we often sabotage ourselves, or fail because of expectations. We look to things that could potentially happen. We think of the worst possible outcome, and scare ourselves so that we miss out on something. We believe that if we fully commit to something, someone will get hurt eventually. I started crying in class today when he said this. I have experienced a lot of emotional pain in my life - and so much of it was caused by myself. I had expectations of myself. I had expectations of how relationships were supposed to be, how my life was supposed to go, and when things didn't go the way I expected them to...BAM - I ran away. I had so much fear. Fear mostly of uncertainty. I wanted everything in my life to be planned out. I wanted to be sure of everything that was going to happen in my life, almost like a timeline. And if I skipped something on that timeline, or something went differently than I had planned, I had to evacuate. I had failed. Instead of seeing every event in my life or feeling I felt as a part of life, I saw it as a danger. As something that was ruining what I had planned, and instead of going with the flow, I ran away. When I was going through something, I would psych myself out by thinking of the worst case scenarios. Because I'd think of them, I think a part of me caused them or something else bad to happen.
After a lot of soul-searching and growing up, I've learned what my bad habits are. I know how I instinctively react to things, and I know that they aren't necessarily the best ways to deal with stuff. So now, I am very conscious of how I work. If I feel myself worrying or stressing, I tell myself not to. My dad is a big reason I have learned to do this. I used to think everything he said was stupid - too Mr. Rogers, too Buddha, whatever. But I've come to realize that it's all true. I focus on what's happening in my life RIGHT NOW. Not two months from now. Not a year from now. Not five years from now. If something makes me happy right now, I don't worry about what's going to happen if I lose it. I have grown a lot. I used to be someone who threw temper tantrums if things didn't go my way. I felt the need to control every aspect of my life. I was all-or-nothing with everything in my life - work, relationships, what have you. And I've realized that it's so hard to be happy like that. I've learned to balance those things, and I feel as though I can face pretty much anything. I've lost something recently that was very, very dear to me, but I realize that there is nothing I can do to control it. I can only control myself. I am allowing myself time to grieve, cry, be upset, whatever. But I know that life goes on. I will be okay, and I know that now. If this had happened to me a year ago, I would be in a totally different state, and the fact that I'm not shows me just how much I've grown. If what I've lost comes back to me, great. If it doesn't, great. I know that I did my absolute best. I don't regret a thing, and I realize that this isn't my fault, or anyone's fault, really. I'm not perfect. I am far from it! I'm nowhere near done learning or growing. But I can see a change in myself, and that feels good. Everybody has fears. But it takes a lot to acknowledge the fear, and live anyway.
As far as applying all this to relationships, it all works. Fear will fuck with your mind every time. Not being comfortable with who you are at that moment will wreck things. I used to be too hard on myself, and someone I was with expected a lot from me. I've learned how to have a healthy relationship. One that just requires love, no extras. Relationships are so much simpler than we make them, and expectations (of yourself or your partner) will ruin things. Being comfortable with myself has really helped me out. Not expecting too much of myself, going with the ebb and flow of things. It has allowed me to love unconditionally. To give myself and not expect anything in return. To refrain from punishing myself if I don't do x, y and z for the other person. Whatever I do should be enough for the other person if we are in love. It really is true that you need to love yourself in order to love another. It sounds stupid, but it's true. I know something great is in store for me. Every experience is a chance to learn, and I have.
So after our teacher brought that up and I cried a little, boohoo, we got to wreck the shit out of our partners. The pads came out and I went apeshit. I got to take out a lot of the emotions I feel - frustration mostly, out on a little red pad. Bret said I had one of the best hooks he's ever seen in his stage combat classes and that he was glad he wasn't the person I was imagining hitting, ha. Soooo I went crazy to the point of exhaustion and fainting and a little nausea BUT. It was worth it.
Greece in three days. HURRY. UP.
xo Jamie
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