Food for thought...

Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person.

I just got out of Stage Combat, and my teacher brought up something that I've been thinking about for a while. Someone in the class said that she was afraid to fully go for something for fear of hurting her partner. Our teacher brought up the idea that we often sabotage ourselves, or fail because of expectations. We look to things that could potentially happen. We think of the worst possible outcome, and scare ourselves so that we miss out on something. We believe that if we fully commit to something, someone will get hurt eventually. I started crying in class today when he said this. I have experienced a lot of emotional pain in my life - and so much of it was caused by myself. I had expectations of myself. I had expectations of how relationships were supposed to be, how my life was supposed to go, and when things didn't go the way I expected them to...BAM - I ran away. I had so much fear. Fear mostly of uncertainty. I wanted everything in my life to be planned out. I wanted to be sure of everything that was going to happen in my life, almost like a timeline. And if I skipped something on that timeline, or something went differently than I had planned, I had to evacuate. I had failed. Instead of seeing every event in my life or feeling I felt as a part of life, I saw it as a danger. As something that was ruining what I had planned, and instead of going with the flow, I ran away. When I was going through something, I would psych myself out by thinking of the worst case scenarios. Because I'd think of them, I think a part of me caused them or something else bad to happen.

After a lot of soul-searching and growing up, I've learned what my bad habits are. I know how I instinctively react to things, and I know that they aren't necessarily the best ways to deal with stuff. So now, I am very conscious of how I work. If I feel myself worrying or stressing, I tell myself not to. My dad is a big reason I have learned to do this. I used to think everything he said was stupid - too Mr. Rogers, too Buddha, whatever. But I've come to realize that it's all true. I focus on what's happening in my life RIGHT NOW. Not two months from now. Not a year from now. Not five years from now. If something makes me happy right now, I don't worry about what's going to happen if I lose it. I have grown a lot. I used to be someone who threw temper tantrums if things didn't go my way. I felt the need to control every aspect of my life. I was all-or-nothing with everything in my life - work, relationships, what have you. And I've realized that it's so hard to be happy like that. I've learned to balance those things, and I feel as though I can face pretty much anything. I've lost something recently that was very, very dear to me, but I realize that there is nothing I can do to control it. I can only control myself. I am allowing myself time to grieve, cry, be upset, whatever. But I know that life goes on. I will be okay, and I know that now. If this had happened to me a year ago, I would be in a totally different state, and the fact that I'm not shows me just how much I've grown. If what I've lost comes back to me, great. If it doesn't, great. I know that I did my absolute best. I don't regret a thing, and I realize that this isn't my fault, or anyone's fault, really. I'm not perfect. I am far from it! I'm nowhere near done learning or growing. But I can see a change in myself, and that feels good. Everybody has fears. But it takes a lot to acknowledge the fear, and live anyway.

As far as applying all this to relationships, it all works. Fear will fuck with your mind every time. Not being comfortable with who you are at that moment will wreck things. I used to be too hard on myself, and someone I was with expected a lot from me. I've learned how to have a healthy relationship. One that just requires love, no extras. Relationships are so much simpler than we make them, and expectations (of yourself or your partner) will ruin things. Being comfortable with myself has really helped me out. Not expecting too much of myself, going with the ebb and flow of things. It has allowed me to love unconditionally. To give myself and not expect anything in return. To refrain from punishing myself if I don't do x, y and z for the other person. Whatever I do should be enough for the other person if we are in love. It really is true that you need to love yourself in order to love another. It sounds stupid, but it's true. I know something great is in store for me. Every experience is a chance to learn, and I have.

So after our teacher brought that up and I cried a little, boohoo, we got to wreck the shit out of our partners. The pads came out and I went apeshit. I got to take out a lot of the emotions I feel - frustration mostly, out on a little red pad. Bret said I had one of the best hooks he's ever seen in his stage combat classes and that he was glad he wasn't the person I was imagining hitting, ha. Soooo I went crazy to the point of exhaustion and fainting and a little nausea BUT. It was worth it.

Greece in three days. HURRY. UP.

xo Jamie