I found what I needed on the coast of Greece...

I'm sitting on the ferry from Santorini to Athens as I write this (in my Moleskine, and will type up once I get there). I'll write another entry about the events of my trip to Greece (of which there are many!), but I'm going to write something on a deeper level for now...which I've been doing lately.

I was sitting at the port in Santorini. As I sketched the Aegean Sea and the islands it hugs I started to cry. I don't really know why I was crying, but it felt okay. I couldn't see where the sea ended, or where it met the sky. Isn't that scary? I was reminded of how much more there is out there - so much more than whatever is going on with me. The sight literally took my breath away. Now, I am not the most religious person out there (far from it, actually) but I couldn't help thinking of the idea of a higher power. And all of a sudden I felt safe. For the first time all week, I felt taken care of. I felt a sudden surge of strength. I don't know how long it will last, if at all, but for now I'll take what I can get.

I've felt myself falling back into old habits (bad, bad, bad). Habits of obsessing over every little thing, overanalyzing, and making things a lot harder than they need to be. I've tried to be a lot more open with my feelings - expressing them when I want to, and not holding back. I did this the past weekend, and immediately regretted it. Should I have done that? Should I not have? Did I ruin anything by saying that? But right here and right now, I am going to stop that. One should never feel regret for expressing care or love for anyone or anything, as long as it is genuine and they don't necessarily expect anything in return. If expressions of love towards someone or something are going to push them away, then was that someone or something really worth it to begin with? I need to learn to take my advice and stop being so hard on myself. In relationships of any kind - family, friendships, romantic, whatever - people make mistakes. That's normal. These mistakes should not be held against whomever made them. When it comes to people I care about and love, I have tried my best - I know I have made some mistakes along the way, but I hope they aren't held against me.

Maybe I am too trusting. Maybe I'm too much of a hopeless romantic. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm too optimistic when it comes to matters of the heart. But I would rather hear about beautiful, outrageous, successful love stories than hear about those that failed. Yes, I am practical too, haha. But that doesn't mean that I can't believe that there is love out there that can do pretty much anything.

I've spent a lot of time trying to transform myself into the person I want to be. I'm not there yet (duh), but I'm getting there. I'm 21 years old (GEEZ), and have a long, long way to mature, but I feel whole. I feel complete by myself, which is so much more than I could say a year ago. The people in my life that I hold close to me are those that enrich my life and add something positive and unique to it. I hope that I do the same for people. When someone I love or care about cuts me out of their life, of course it hurts. What was I doing wrong? What could I have done to fix it? But I guess I need to stop asking those questions, huh? It is completely their choice, and their choice is to cut me out. I guess I wasn't doing for them what I wished I was, but that's not to say I failed. I hope. So I accept that and move on, and continue building upon the relationships that I do have.

It has taken me over an hour to write this, and I'm still gliding along the Aegean - passing islands I couldn't see when I began writing. I feel a little lost and scared at the moment, but for whatever reason, it's fine. I know I'll be okay and I know that there are a million great things and people in store for me. I'm still going to wish at 11:11 and on stars, and you can bet it was a big one when I blew out my birthday candles a couple of days ago, but I can only control so much, and the rest is out of my hands - thank God :)